The last day of January.

I think I did a pretty good job of posting daily. That sounds like something Eric would say. I did a pretty good job at the thing I didn't really do a pretty good job at. Anyway, it is Friday, and things are going well. I was filled with excitement at the encroaching evening. YES! Free time. I took the dogs for a walk, came home, and ate some dinner. I talked to Stacie G on the phone and then played a video game on my phone. Corrina stopped by for an hour. I listened to a great podcast on the walk. I will document it here tomorrow.

Stacie said I am one of her few real friends. That was sweet. I was talking about how I feel judged by my friends, and she said I was lucky to have so many good friends. Other things that happened: Chewy opened the treat jar. I am really impressed with his mind figuring out how he could do that without fingers. My next challenge is daily painting. I bought myself a painting class. I think it will be super duper awesome.

Next on the agenda: FaceTime with Kelly for her birthday, Sex and the city before that.

Yoga!

I used to do yoga with Amanda and Suzi, separately at the YMCA. It was a really good way to relax. There was one man in the class, and he always hit on Amanda. I also did a hot yoga class with Cindy Stansberry. I would love to do one again. At home, yoga seems like a better bet. Aaron helped me do yoga; I would have him read the instructions while I did the poses. I really enjoyed the sun salute. Joel was feeling at loose ends, so I recommended taking a yoga class. I thought it would be a good place to meet people. Maybe women! He might do it.

Yoga has always been a great way to clear my mind. When I step onto the mat, everything else fades away. The gentle stretching and deep breathing help me let go of stress. I remember trying different poses, like downward dog and warrior, and how proud I felt when I finally mastered them. 

In Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw once noted, “I’m not sure I can live without my yoga.” This quote is from Season 2, Episode 5, titled "Four Women and a Funeral." It highlights how important yoga can be in our lives, offering both physical and emotional benefits.

I watch TV at night with sunglasses on. Hello, my name is Emma, and I have trouble sleeping.

Actually, I have much better sleep than I used to. It helps not to talk to anyone before I go to bed. I used to talk to Eric on the phone right up until bedtime, and then I could not sleep. It was too stimulating. I think what is actually stimulating is myself talking, not listening. That is why I fall asleep at the movies, concerts, and while driving. My brain slows down. When I am talking or singing, I keep myself awake.

I had lots of talks with Eric today. He told me no one is looking and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of our relationship. He says we can move past him driving away into the night all the way to Michigan because I interrupted him while he was reading. I don't know what to think. Yes, I do love him, and I know he loves me, but is that really a way to deal with things? He said if he had a plan in advance, he would have gone to Starbucks to calm down. Was I really that annoying, though?

I need closeness and make bids for connection. He needs space. He says he feels loved when I give him his space but remain with him, loving him.

In high school, he used to skip class and walk all the way home. He would then have Saturday school. I would skip one class now and then and not get caught. It is just like what happened with us on Sunday. I went for a walk, but he drove all the way back to Michigan. It is how and who he is. Can he change? I don't know. I don't want him to feel angry at me for stupid things. It is like Aaron. I wanted Aaron not to get angry about things.

Am I happier with Eric or alone? I am happy alone. I didn't used to be, but I am now.

Today, I had lunch with Stacy Hopkins. It was really fun. I need to do that more often. She told me about a yoga app to download so I can get in my daily stretching. I might make yoga my February challenge. In fact, I will. Yoga every day for February!

 I had to part ways with Eric,

He left amidst our clash,
Staying silent would have meant surrender,
Giving my power away.
Would that submission have been forever,
Or merely a shifting tide?
Judy says he’s controlling,
And perhaps she’s right.
His desires dictate our actions,
Ignoring others' dreams,
Even his own wishes.

The family, a machine,
A lesson learned from Eric,
To stall its wheels,
One must cease their role.
My task, to advocate for the oppressed,
Yet, I must pause,
To avoid the weight of disdain.

Work is a battlefield,
The new colleague brimming with bravado,
At first, it felt bearable,
Now, he resists my guidance,
Others possess the resources,
In this new curriculum's embrace,
Next year, I’ll share my crafted slides,
For now, I forge ahead without.

A new science teacher admires me,
Wants to emulate my path,
Yet a parent’s complaint lingers,
Accusing me of a liberal agenda,
For speaking truths of history,
Power corrupts, I believe,
Seen in the stories of wives confined,
Abuse born from unchecked control.

My counselor reminds me,
Stand firm against Aaron,
Backing down only deepens the wound,
Boundaries must be set,
A balance of power is crucial,
For safety to blossom.

Tonight, I spoke with Fiona,
A friend since childhood,
Memories of Mrs. Killian’s class,
Perhaps a visit will unfold,
California calls,
Though decades have passed since we met,
Pen pals with her sister,
A connection renewed.

Conversations with Joel,
Sharing burdens of evening shadows,
Offering suggestions met with resistance,
Books sent, love wrapped in pages,
Grateful he’s my son.

Now, I step away from this glow,
To the flickering light of the television,
To watch the tales of Sex and the City.

I’ve learned much from Eric,
And need to express that truth.

Earlier, a heaviness settled,
A hug sent, no reply received,
Worries of emotional games played,
Yet love remains,
A promise to find our way back,
Close companions, forever friends.
Could he be autistic?
A thought crosses my mind.
Perhaps anger drives him away,
Just as it once consumed Aaron,
Leaving scars upon my heart.

Video is the term of the day. Video means to see over a distance. I have lots of videos. I have a VHS tape I want to convert because it has family moments on it. Some of them are too heartbreaking to rewatch. They would be nice to show Joel, though. I bet he would like to see us all as we were.

I have lots of DVDs too, and I need to hook up the DVD player to the TV so I can start watching them. Everything has become so expensive: chocolate, Netflix, things. Expensive!

Today I went to CVS, and Christmas cards were on sale—a pack of 40 for 50 cents. I got them because I can use the envelopes even if I never use the cards!

Peace out!

 Video is the term of the day,

to see over a distance.
I have many videos,
and a VHS tape
filled with family moments,
some too heartbreaking to revisit.
Yet, they would bring joy to Joel,
to see us as we once were.

I have countless DVDs,
waiting to be watched,
but first, I must connect the player
to the TV.
Everything feels so expensive now—
chocolate, Netflix, fleeting things,
the weight of cost hangs heavy.

Today, I ventured to CVS,
where Christmas cards were on sale,
a pack of forty for fifty cents.
Envelopes to use,
even if the cards never see the light,
a small treasure in this season.

Peace out.

I had to break up with Eric because he left during an argument. If I had stayed with him, I would have silenced myself so he wouldn't leave. I would have given up my power to him. Would that have been permanent, or would it have been ever-shifting? Judy says he sounds very controlling. In a way, he is. Everything is done when he wants to do it, without consideration of what other people want. The same goes for what he wants to do; he does not do things that he wants to do.

The other thing is the family machine. I learn a lot from Eric, and this is something he taught me. The family is a machine. In order to stop the machine from working, you have to stop doing your job in the family machine. Everything changes when you stop doing your job. My job in the family machine is to fight for the rights of the oppressed. I need to stop doing this so that I don't get shat on.

Work is rough. The new guy I work with is all ego and testosterone, according to Joel. It was okay at the beginning, but now I am trying to explain how to do things, and he is not receptive. The other new teachers have all the slides. Since we are working with a new curriculum, I do not have anything to hand down to him. I will have next year, though. He can use all of my slides that I made for the curriculum that I completed.

The new science teacher really seems to like me. She told me she wants to be like me when she grows up! That is because at our middle school meeting, I was told that a parent called and complained about me pushing my liberal agenda because I was talking about how white slave owners raped slave women.

I don't think that the white owners were any different than any other color of people. I just think that power corrupts. This is also shown in situations where women are stay-at-home wives or traditional wives. Some men just end up abusing them because they have too much power. My counselor said something about this too, about how I needed to stand up to Aaron instead of backing down because, by backing down, the abuse gets worse. I have to activate my boundaries, which brings me back around to why I had to break up with Eric. I had to have strong boundaries to keep the power balance. If the power is unbalanced, I am unsafe.

Tonight, I talked to Fiona, my friend since I was in 3rd grade or Standard 3. It is always good to talk to her. I loved the year we spent sitting next to each other in Mrs. Killian's class. I would like to visit her. Maybe I will do so! She is in California. We have always stayed in touch, but I have not seen her since 1987! That was 37 years ago! AMAZING! I used to be pen pals with her sister Ninette. I just got Emily's address, so she and I can be pen pals. Emily is my former sister. She was Lesleigh's daughter. Lesleigh was married to my dad.

Talking to Joel was good. We talked about evening depression and how to deal with it. I suggested many things that he rejected. I sent him a couple of books via Amazon. I hope he loves them! I love Joel, and I am glad he is my son.

That is all here for tonight. I need to take a break from looking at this screen and go and look at the TV screen to watch Sex and the City.

I learn a lot from Eric. I need to tell him that.

Also, I was feeling really crappy earlier because I sent Eric a hug, and he didn't send one back. I was worried that he was playing with my emotions. He said that because we both love each other a lot, we will find our way back to being together. I feel like we will always be close, and he will always be one of my best friends. Is he autistic? Maybe. Maybe that is why he runs away. Or maybe he is angry, and that is what he has to deal with, and he can't live with me because his anger will come out just like Aaron's anger came out all over me.