Dear Eric,

It is with a sense of profound existential sadness that I must inform you of the unfortunate conclusion of our romantic relationship. While you might assert that our connection is of utmost importance—a declaration that could make even the most indifferent of hyper-intelligent beings raise an eyebrow—your recent behavior suggests that this claim is about as reliable as a Vogon constructor fleet’s promise to be “just a bit late.”

You see, when faced with the slightest hint of conflict, your response has been to accelerate away from the situation at a speed that could rival a desperate escape pod fleeing a black hole, leaving me in a cloud of dust and confusion. If this is your version of prioritizing our relationship, I shudder to contemplate how you manage the rest of your life—presumably with the same level of finesse as a triple-breasted whore trying to juggle flaming torches while blindfolded.

Now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the finer points of your character. I genuinely enjoy your sense of humor, as refreshing as a frosty Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. Your intellect shines brightly—though sometimes it seems to flicker like a malfunctioning starship console. The countless things we have in common are delightful, much like finding a well-stocked pantry on a spaceship that has been lost for eons. Yet, in the grand tapestry of the universe, we are as emotionally incompatible as a hyperactive Zaphod Beeblebrox and a particularly sensible Earthling.

When you’re upset, you retreat faster than a mouse under a Vogon’s desk, and I, unlike an infinite improbability drive, cannot function under such unpredictable conditions. My greatest fear, second only to running out of coffee, is abandonment, and I simply cannot endure the emotional fallout of being left to float in the void of space.

Therefore, it is with a heavy heart and a slight sense of cosmic irony that I declare this the end of our interstellar journey together. I once loved you—and in a way that defies the laws of physics, I still do. Let us hope that we can navigate the universe of friendship together, where your company remains as enjoyable as a well-timed joke about the absurdity of existence.