I had to break up with Eric because he left during an argument. If I had stayed with him, I would have silenced myself so he wouldn't leave. I would have given up my power to him. Would that have been permanent, or would it have been ever-shifting? Judy says he sounds very controlling. In a way, he is. Everything is done when he wants to do it, without consideration of what other people want. The same goes for what he wants to do; he does not do things that he wants to do.

The other thing is the family machine. I learn a lot from Eric, and this is something he taught me. The family is a machine. In order to stop the machine from working, you have to stop doing your job in the family machine. Everything changes when you stop doing your job. My job in the family machine is to fight for the rights of the oppressed. I need to stop doing this so that I don't get shat on.

Work is rough. The new guy I work with is all ego and testosterone, according to Joel. It was okay at the beginning, but now I am trying to explain how to do things, and he is not receptive. The other new teachers have all the slides. Since we are working with a new curriculum, I do not have anything to hand down to him. I will have next year, though. He can use all of my slides that I made for the curriculum that I completed.

The new science teacher really seems to like me. She told me she wants to be like me when she grows up! That is because at our middle school meeting, I was told that a parent called and complained about me pushing my liberal agenda because I was talking about how white slave owners raped slave women.

I don't think that the white owners were any different than any other color of people. I just think that power corrupts. This is also shown in situations where women are stay-at-home wives or traditional wives. Some men just end up abusing them because they have too much power. My counselor said something about this too, about how I needed to stand up to Aaron instead of backing down because, by backing down, the abuse gets worse. I have to activate my boundaries, which brings me back around to why I had to break up with Eric. I had to have strong boundaries to keep the power balance. If the power is unbalanced, I am unsafe.

Tonight, I talked to Fiona, my friend since I was in 3rd grade or Standard 3. It is always good to talk to her. I loved the year we spent sitting next to each other in Mrs. Killian's class. I would like to visit her. Maybe I will do so! She is in California. We have always stayed in touch, but I have not seen her since 1987! That was 37 years ago! AMAZING! I used to be pen pals with her sister Ninette. I just got Emily's address, so she and I can be pen pals. Emily is my former sister. She was Lesleigh's daughter. Lesleigh was married to my dad.

Talking to Joel was good. We talked about evening depression and how to deal with it. I suggested many things that he rejected. I sent him a couple of books via Amazon. I hope he loves them! I love Joel, and I am glad he is my son.

That is all here for tonight. I need to take a break from looking at this screen and go and look at the TV screen to watch Sex and the City.

I learn a lot from Eric. I need to tell him that.

Also, I was feeling really crappy earlier because I sent Eric a hug, and he didn't send one back. I was worried that he was playing with my emotions. He said that because we both love each other a lot, we will find our way back to being together. I feel like we will always be close, and he will always be one of my best friends. Is he autistic? Maybe. Maybe that is why he runs away. Or maybe he is angry, and that is what he has to deal with, and he can't live with me because his anger will come out just like Aaron's anger came out all over me.