The last day of January.

I think I did a pretty good job of posting daily. That sounds like something Eric would say. I did a pretty good job at the thing I didn't really do a pretty good job at. Anyway, it is Friday, and things are going well. I was filled with excitement at the encroaching evening. YES! Free time. I took the dogs for a walk, came home, and ate some dinner. I talked to Stacie G on the phone and then played a video game on my phone. Corrina stopped by for an hour. I listened to a great podcast on the walk. I will document it here tomorrow.

Stacie said I am one of her few real friends. That was sweet. I was talking about how I feel judged by my friends, and she said I was lucky to have so many good friends. Other things that happened: Chewy opened the treat jar. I am really impressed with his mind figuring out how he could do that without fingers. My next challenge is daily painting. I bought myself a painting class. I think it will be super duper awesome.

Next on the agenda: FaceTime with Kelly for her birthday, Sex and the city before that.

Yoga!

I used to do yoga with Amanda and Suzi, separately at the YMCA. It was a really good way to relax. There was one man in the class, and he always hit on Amanda. I also did a hot yoga class with Cindy Stansberry. I would love to do one again. At home, yoga seems like a better bet. Aaron helped me do yoga; I would have him read the instructions while I did the poses. I really enjoyed the sun salute. Joel was feeling at loose ends, so I recommended taking a yoga class. I thought it would be a good place to meet people. Maybe women! He might do it.

Yoga has always been a great way to clear my mind. When I step onto the mat, everything else fades away. The gentle stretching and deep breathing help me let go of stress. I remember trying different poses, like downward dog and warrior, and how proud I felt when I finally mastered them. 

In Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw once noted, “I’m not sure I can live without my yoga.” This quote is from Season 2, Episode 5, titled "Four Women and a Funeral." It highlights how important yoga can be in our lives, offering both physical and emotional benefits.

I watch TV at night with sunglasses on. Hello, my name is Emma, and I have trouble sleeping.

Actually, I have much better sleep than I used to. It helps not to talk to anyone before I go to bed. I used to talk to Eric on the phone right up until bedtime, and then I could not sleep. It was too stimulating. I think what is actually stimulating is myself talking, not listening. That is why I fall asleep at the movies, concerts, and while driving. My brain slows down. When I am talking or singing, I keep myself awake.

I had lots of talks with Eric today. He told me no one is looking and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of our relationship. He says we can move past him driving away into the night all the way to Michigan because I interrupted him while he was reading. I don't know what to think. Yes, I do love him, and I know he loves me, but is that really a way to deal with things? He said if he had a plan in advance, he would have gone to Starbucks to calm down. Was I really that annoying, though?

I need closeness and make bids for connection. He needs space. He says he feels loved when I give him his space but remain with him, loving him.

In high school, he used to skip class and walk all the way home. He would then have Saturday school. I would skip one class now and then and not get caught. It is just like what happened with us on Sunday. I went for a walk, but he drove all the way back to Michigan. It is how and who he is. Can he change? I don't know. I don't want him to feel angry at me for stupid things. It is like Aaron. I wanted Aaron not to get angry about things.

Am I happier with Eric or alone? I am happy alone. I didn't used to be, but I am now.

Today, I had lunch with Stacy Hopkins. It was really fun. I need to do that more often. She told me about a yoga app to download so I can get in my daily stretching. I might make yoga my February challenge. In fact, I will. Yoga every day for February!

 I had to part ways with Eric,

He left amidst our clash,
Staying silent would have meant surrender,
Giving my power away.
Would that submission have been forever,
Or merely a shifting tide?
Judy says he’s controlling,
And perhaps she’s right.
His desires dictate our actions,
Ignoring others' dreams,
Even his own wishes.

The family, a machine,
A lesson learned from Eric,
To stall its wheels,
One must cease their role.
My task, to advocate for the oppressed,
Yet, I must pause,
To avoid the weight of disdain.

Work is a battlefield,
The new colleague brimming with bravado,
At first, it felt bearable,
Now, he resists my guidance,
Others possess the resources,
In this new curriculum's embrace,
Next year, I’ll share my crafted slides,
For now, I forge ahead without.

A new science teacher admires me,
Wants to emulate my path,
Yet a parent’s complaint lingers,
Accusing me of a liberal agenda,
For speaking truths of history,
Power corrupts, I believe,
Seen in the stories of wives confined,
Abuse born from unchecked control.

My counselor reminds me,
Stand firm against Aaron,
Backing down only deepens the wound,
Boundaries must be set,
A balance of power is crucial,
For safety to blossom.

Tonight, I spoke with Fiona,
A friend since childhood,
Memories of Mrs. Killian’s class,
Perhaps a visit will unfold,
California calls,
Though decades have passed since we met,
Pen pals with her sister,
A connection renewed.

Conversations with Joel,
Sharing burdens of evening shadows,
Offering suggestions met with resistance,
Books sent, love wrapped in pages,
Grateful he’s my son.

Now, I step away from this glow,
To the flickering light of the television,
To watch the tales of Sex and the City.

I’ve learned much from Eric,
And need to express that truth.

Earlier, a heaviness settled,
A hug sent, no reply received,
Worries of emotional games played,
Yet love remains,
A promise to find our way back,
Close companions, forever friends.
Could he be autistic?
A thought crosses my mind.
Perhaps anger drives him away,
Just as it once consumed Aaron,
Leaving scars upon my heart.

Video is the term of the day. Video means to see over a distance. I have lots of videos. I have a VHS tape I want to convert because it has family moments on it. Some of them are too heartbreaking to rewatch. They would be nice to show Joel, though. I bet he would like to see us all as we were.

I have lots of DVDs too, and I need to hook up the DVD player to the TV so I can start watching them. Everything has become so expensive: chocolate, Netflix, things. Expensive!

Today I went to CVS, and Christmas cards were on sale—a pack of 40 for 50 cents. I got them because I can use the envelopes even if I never use the cards!

Peace out!

 Video is the term of the day,

to see over a distance.
I have many videos,
and a VHS tape
filled with family moments,
some too heartbreaking to revisit.
Yet, they would bring joy to Joel,
to see us as we once were.

I have countless DVDs,
waiting to be watched,
but first, I must connect the player
to the TV.
Everything feels so expensive now—
chocolate, Netflix, fleeting things,
the weight of cost hangs heavy.

Today, I ventured to CVS,
where Christmas cards were on sale,
a pack of forty for fifty cents.
Envelopes to use,
even if the cards never see the light,
a small treasure in this season.

Peace out.

I had to break up with Eric because he left during an argument. If I had stayed with him, I would have silenced myself so he wouldn't leave. I would have given up my power to him. Would that have been permanent, or would it have been ever-shifting? Judy says he sounds very controlling. In a way, he is. Everything is done when he wants to do it, without consideration of what other people want. The same goes for what he wants to do; he does not do things that he wants to do.

The other thing is the family machine. I learn a lot from Eric, and this is something he taught me. The family is a machine. In order to stop the machine from working, you have to stop doing your job in the family machine. Everything changes when you stop doing your job. My job in the family machine is to fight for the rights of the oppressed. I need to stop doing this so that I don't get shat on.

Work is rough. The new guy I work with is all ego and testosterone, according to Joel. It was okay at the beginning, but now I am trying to explain how to do things, and he is not receptive. The other new teachers have all the slides. Since we are working with a new curriculum, I do not have anything to hand down to him. I will have next year, though. He can use all of my slides that I made for the curriculum that I completed.

The new science teacher really seems to like me. She told me she wants to be like me when she grows up! That is because at our middle school meeting, I was told that a parent called and complained about me pushing my liberal agenda because I was talking about how white slave owners raped slave women.

I don't think that the white owners were any different than any other color of people. I just think that power corrupts. This is also shown in situations where women are stay-at-home wives or traditional wives. Some men just end up abusing them because they have too much power. My counselor said something about this too, about how I needed to stand up to Aaron instead of backing down because, by backing down, the abuse gets worse. I have to activate my boundaries, which brings me back around to why I had to break up with Eric. I had to have strong boundaries to keep the power balance. If the power is unbalanced, I am unsafe.

Tonight, I talked to Fiona, my friend since I was in 3rd grade or Standard 3. It is always good to talk to her. I loved the year we spent sitting next to each other in Mrs. Killian's class. I would like to visit her. Maybe I will do so! She is in California. We have always stayed in touch, but I have not seen her since 1987! That was 37 years ago! AMAZING! I used to be pen pals with her sister Ninette. I just got Emily's address, so she and I can be pen pals. Emily is my former sister. She was Lesleigh's daughter. Lesleigh was married to my dad.

Talking to Joel was good. We talked about evening depression and how to deal with it. I suggested many things that he rejected. I sent him a couple of books via Amazon. I hope he loves them! I love Joel, and I am glad he is my son.

That is all here for tonight. I need to take a break from looking at this screen and go and look at the TV screen to watch Sex and the City.

I learn a lot from Eric. I need to tell him that.

Also, I was feeling really crappy earlier because I sent Eric a hug, and he didn't send one back. I was worried that he was playing with my emotions. He said that because we both love each other a lot, we will find our way back to being together. I feel like we will always be close, and he will always be one of my best friends. Is he autistic? Maybe. Maybe that is why he runs away. Or maybe he is angry, and that is what he has to deal with, and he can't live with me because his anger will come out just like Aaron's anger came out all over me.

Weights!

I love to lift them. The first time I lifted weights, I was at U of I. I did it during my freshman year, and I used to meet this hairy guy, Frank, from my Political Science class. It ended after that semester. The next time I lifted weights was the year before I got married. I was having lots of back problems, so I had physical therapy. I learned how to do exercises that were good for my back. I remember how hard they were in the beginning, but now I am lifting heavier weights with ease.

I used to lift weights in all kinds of situations. I remember taking them with me on vacations. I don't do that anymore. I lifted weights in front of Joel every day, and now he lifts weights. I remember him seeing an old picture of me, and he said that he did not recognize me without my muscles. Lifting weights lifts my mood and makes me feel self-confident. I used to do it a lot when I first started my job. I would do it in between classes. I would like to be as strong as I once was; perhaps that could be my February goal. Toodle pip!

I talked to Eric today. It was good. We talked for two hours. He really wants me when he can't have me. I do appreciate his friendship and getting to see his good side. I want the good side. I don't want the rest. What do I want? Peace and detachment. I want to tread lightly.

I wish I remembered the poem about just this. It is about not holding on too tightly to anything in life. It is all ephemeral and impermanent. Eric is a jerk, and then he is nice because he wants me back. I don't think it is on purpose. It is a cycle. I can hold on lightly and let him visit and work around him. I enjoy his presence.

Things I am looking forward to: The weekend! Friday night is Kelly's birthday, and we are having a FaceTime chat together. Saturday lunchtime, I am celebrating Jenny's birthday. Saturday night, Anita is coming over for dinner and bringing cheesecake. Also, on Thursday, I am having lunch with Stacy Hopkins at Luciana's. So many good friends who support me. I am so fortunate!

Today, I talked to Judy and Corrinna on the phone too. They both hold me close and give me good advice. Yesterday, I talked to Carrie and Den. Blessed with friends is what I am.

I feel like there is a lot else I want to say. Eric says we can be friends and that we love each other so much that we will find a way to make our relationship work. I am holding on lightly. That would be beautiful, but not necessarily likely. I need to go out into the world and meet new people. I like people. I could go to the Unitarian church. I could join a hiking club. There are lots of things I am interested in. I want to be included. I like being part of a group.

I have noticed that the right hand has more typing work than the left hand. Typing is like playing the piano; you have to make sure that both hands are working in unison.

Some writing days are not as good as others. I am getting the thoughts down on paper, and I am taking time for myself when I need care. I took time to talk to people today because that is what I needed. The dishes got done anyway.

That is all for today!

Bridgerton and Lady Whistledown: A Closer Look

For a while, I was captivated by Bridgerton. I immersed myself in the series, even tuning into podcasts about it. I appreciated the portrayal of female friendships and the depiction of women striving for what they desired, especially in a time when their legal rights were extremely limited. It feels reminiscent of Sex and the City, but with a charming twist of old-fashioned attire!

Lady Whistledown: The Anonymous Society Columnist

Lady Whistledown, a mysterious and impactful gossip columnist, rose to fame through Julia Quinn's Bridgerton book series and its widely acclaimed Netflix adaptation. This enigmatic writer acts as a narrator, unveiling the secrets and scandals of London's high society during the Regency era, which spans the early 1800s.

Historical Context

During the Regency period in England, society papers and gossip sheets were prevalent forms of entertainment. These publications relayed news about fashionable events, marriages, and social scandals involving the upper class. Lady Whistledown's character draws inspiration from these real historical publications, reflecting their significance in society.

Role in the Story

Lady Whistledown's society papers fulfill several essential roles:

• Providing commentary on social events
• Revealing character secrets
• Advancing the plot
• Offering historical context for readers
• Creating suspense through her anonymous observations

Impact on Society

Within the narrative, Lady Whistledown's writings exert considerable influence:

• Her words hold the power to shape or ruin someone's social reputation.
• Characters eagerly anticipate each new publication.
• Her insights impact how characters conduct themselves in public.
• The anonymity surrounding her identity adds an element of mystery and intrigue.

Literary Significance

Lady Whistledown symbolizes several critical themes:

• The power of the written word
• The role of women in historical society
• The effects of gossip and social pressure
• The delicate balance between truth and privacy

Surprise, surprise. I broke up with Eric again. Every time I think things are going well, I move the bed to the middle of the room, and we break up. This time I am keeping it there. Maybe. I might change to sleeping in the other bedroom above the garage. I could redecorate that one and use the other one for guests.

I broke up with him after he left my house to drive back to Michigan. I told him if he left, we were over. He drove back to Michigan. Today he regretted it. He told me that he would come back right now if I wanted him to and make everything right again with me. I am tempted to let him come because I would like the company. I would be happy if we could be friends, and he could come and visit me. That would be awesome if we could be good friends. That would make me happy.

Other thoughts for today… I really want Eric to come, but I know that when he gets here, he won't be who I need or want him to be. He will be his own weird, cagey self with attachment issues. It is unavoidable.

I need to detach and figure out how not to be consumed by what happened. He told me that if he lived in Indianapolis, I would not have been so upset when he left during our argument. He says I would not have broken up with him. Would I? Probably. The point is that he didn't do that. He drove 180 miles to get away from me. He could have gone to Starbucks and then come back when he calmed down. He said leaving was better than screaming at me. He is scared of his own anger. Perhaps he is dangerous. I don't know. Carrie had me watch some documentaries on abuse, and the abusers and the cycle seemed familiar. I have to leave an abuser. I cannot stay.

Reflections on Eric's Family

I talked to his mom, and she said Eric is just like his dad and that his dad did the same thing, which is why she is glad she is single and lives by herself.

I talked to my friends, and they are all glad that Eric and I broke up and thought he was not good for me. Den said that if his mom said that about him, it means a lot. That he is moody.

Thoughts on Friendship

I am encouraged and reminded yet again about how much my friends care about me. Stacie G came over to be with me so I could cry, and she called to check on me today. Kelly, Carrie, and Den all called to talk about it. This is right, and I must not go back.

I am happy lately. I have been treating life like an adventure that I have every day. I like what I put in and what I get out of it.

Concerns About Teaching

The new English teacher is not putting in any effort. He had no slides ready for teaching today. I don't know if he doesn't understand, if he is a drug addict, or what, but he can't just teach with no text to teach. He will learn slowly.

I am feeling uncertain about my role with Bryce. It seems that he is quite unprepared to teach, and I feel a sense of responsibility in this situation, but I am unsure about the support he is receiving.

For instance, he wasn't aware that he needed to have a lesson prepared for today or how to set up his class connections. I want to ensure that I don't drop the ball here.

Additionally, it's challenging for me to guide someone else on how to teach and what is expected without overstepping. I want to be supportive without stepping on his toes.

 Dear Eric,

Well, darling, it seems the time has come to face the music and admit that our romantic escapade has reached its final act. You insist our relationship is your top priority, yet your actions sing a different tune. Speeding away from me at 65 miles per hour, leaving a cloud of dust in your rearview mirror? Not exactly the romantic farewell I had in mind. If this is how you express your commitment, I can only imagine how the rest of your life fares—likely in the slow lane while I’m left in the dust.

Let’s take a moment to appreciate the good, shall we? Your humor? Absolutely delightful. Your intellect? A refreshing cocktail of wit and wisdom. On paper, we’re a match made in the cosmos, sharing laughs, dreams, and a penchant for the finer things in life. But in the real world, we dance to a different rhythm.

When the clouds roll in and you get upset, you retreat into your shell. And me? I’m left here, grappling with the fear of abandonment, feeling like a ship lost at sea. I can’t be the one left adrift while you sail away into the storm. So, my dear, this is where we part ways.

I loved you, and truth be told, a part of me still does. Here’s hoping our paths cross again as friends, because your company is truly a gem worth cherishing.

With all my heart,

 Dear Eric,

It is with a heavy heart that I pen this missive, for I must regrettably announce the conclusion of our romantic entanglement. While you profess that our relationship holds the utmost importance in your heart, your actions tell a most different tale. This is particularly evident in your rather hasty retreat, driving away at a speed that would make even the most daring of gentlemen blush, leaving me in a cloud of dust and confusion. If such a departure is your way of prioritizing our bond, I shudder to think how the other affairs of your life are faring, relegated as they are to the furthermost reaches of your affections.

Nevertheless, I must acknowledge the charm of your wit, the brilliance of your intellect, and the myriad qualities that render your company delightful. Our shared interests and complementary ways of life paint a picture of a pair most enviable on paper. Yet, alas, in the tapestry of reality, we find ourselves too emotionally disparate. When vexation visits you, you retreat into silence, a behavior I find myself ill-equipped to endure, for my greatest fear is the specter of abandonment. I am not one to withstand such withdrawal unscathed; it leaves a mark that lingers, a scar upon the heart.

Thus, it is with a finality that I declare this the end of our chapter together. My affection for you was genuine, and though it may have waned in its romantic fervor, it remains a fondness that shall not easily be extinguished. Let us aspire to cultivate a friendship that is as delightful as your company, for you shall always possess a certain charm that is most pleasing to the soul.

Yours,
Lady Whistledown

 Dear Eric,

I am sorry to have to say that our romantic relationship will have to end. Although you say our relationship is of the utmost importance to you, your behavior does not indicate as much. This is evidenced by your refusing to stay and discuss a problem and instead driving 65 miles an hour away from me with a cloud of dust blowing into my face. If that is how you show you prioritize our relationship, I would hate to see how everything else in your life thrives, being that they are further down on your list of important things than I am.

That said, I do enjoy your sense of humor, intellect, and other qualities that make you good company. I also appreciate the many things we have in common as well as the many ways of life we share. On paper, we make a perfect pair. In reality, we are too emotionally different. When you are upset, you withdraw. I can't deal with that because my biggest fear is abandonment. I am not a person you can withdraw from without scarring me in some way. So, this is the end. I did love you, and I do love you still. Here’s hoping we have a lovely friendship always because you are most pleasing company.

 Dear Eric,

It is with a sense of profound existential sadness that I must inform you of the unfortunate conclusion of our romantic relationship. While you might assert that our connection is of utmost importance—a declaration that could make even the most indifferent of hyper-intelligent beings raise an eyebrow—your recent behavior suggests that this claim is about as reliable as a Vogon constructor fleet’s promise to be “just a bit late.”

You see, when faced with the slightest hint of conflict, your response has been to accelerate away from the situation at a speed that could rival a desperate escape pod fleeing a black hole, leaving me in a cloud of dust and confusion. If this is your version of prioritizing our relationship, I shudder to contemplate how you manage the rest of your life—presumably with the same level of finesse as a triple-breasted whore trying to juggle flaming torches while blindfolded.

Now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the finer points of your character. I genuinely enjoy your sense of humor, as refreshing as a frosty Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. Your intellect shines brightly—though sometimes it seems to flicker like a malfunctioning starship console. The countless things we have in common are delightful, much like finding a well-stocked pantry on a spaceship that has been lost for eons. Yet, in the grand tapestry of the universe, we are as emotionally incompatible as a hyperactive Zaphod Beeblebrox and a particularly sensible Earthling.

When you’re upset, you retreat faster than a mouse under a Vogon’s desk, and I, unlike an infinite improbability drive, cannot function under such unpredictable conditions. My greatest fear, second only to running out of coffee, is abandonment, and I simply cannot endure the emotional fallout of being left to float in the void of space.

Therefore, it is with a heavy heart and a slight sense of cosmic irony that I declare this the end of our interstellar journey together. I once loved you—and in a way that defies the laws of physics, I still do. Let us hope that we can navigate the universe of friendship together, where your company remains as enjoyable as a well-timed joke about the absurdity of existence.

Weird: A Deep Dive into the Word and Its Connotations

The word "weird" is often considered one of the trickiest words to spell, as I can never quite remember whether the 'i' comes before the 'e' or the other way around. Perhaps I've just figured it out!

In many contexts, "weird" carries a negative connotation, suggesting a non-adaptive trait. Often, weird things do not contribute to an organism's success, at least according to my interpretation. I have been labeled as weird and have embraced my differences. Being open-hearted and candid, I prefer to identify as different or quirky rather than conforming to social norms. If someone isn’t conventionally unattractive but is considered weird, I see them as quirky. That is my identity, I suppose.

The term "weird" has increasingly become popular to describe something strange or unusual. It can refer to behaviors, situations, or things that fall outside what is deemed normal or expected. The origins of the word trace back to the Old English "wyrd," which meant fate or destiny. Over the years, its meaning has shifted to signify something out of the ordinary. In contemporary usage, calling something "weird" can carry a negative implication, yet it can also serve a positive purpose by celebrating uniqueness and individuality. Understanding the context in which "weird" is used is crucial, as it can alter the tone of a conversation and the message being conveyed.

Historically, numerous individuals and events have been labeled as "weird":

• The Dancing Plague of 1518: This peculiar occurrence in Strasbourg saw hundreds of people dancing uncontrollably for days. Historians and medical experts have puzzled over this event, proposing various theories including mass hysteria.

• The Salem Witch Trials (1692): During this time, several individuals faced accusations of witchcraft. Their behaviors were often deemed "weird" by the community, resulting in a series of trials and executions fueled by fear and misunderstanding.

• Frankenstein's Monster: In Mary Shelley's 1818 novel, an unnatural creature is created from various body parts, challenging norms regarding life and death. This character embodies "weirdness," reflecting societal anxieties about scientific experimentation.

• Vincent van Gogh: The artist was frequently considered "weird" during his lifetime due to his unconventional style and turbulent life. Today, he is celebrated for his unique contributions to art, illustrating how "weirdness" can spark groundbreaking creativity.

The word "weird" has an intriguing history rooted in Old English. Originally derived from "wyrd," it referred to fate or destiny, often linked to a supernatural force influencing human lives. This term can be traced back to the Proto-Germanic word "wurdiz," meaning "to become" or "to happen."

In the early 15th century, the meaning of "weird" began to shift, becoming associated with the supernatural and mystical, particularly influenced by its use in Shakespeare's play "Macbeth," where the "Weird Sisters" represented fate and destiny. This signified phenomena beyond human understanding or control.

By the late 19th century, "weird" evolved to describe anything strange or unusual, moving away from its original meanings tied to fate and the supernatural. Nowadays, the term is commonly used in everyday language to denote anything odd, bizarre, or out of the ordinary, showcasing its transformation from a concept of destiny to one that reflects life's peculiarities.

Two days without writing! Friday and Saturday. What happened? Friday night, I went out to eat with Stacy at the Thai restaurant. On Saturday, I went shopping, celebrated Becky's birthday, and then Eric arrived in the evening.

Now Eric is upstairs reading and does not want to come for a walk with me. He went upstairs because he could not concentrate with me around. I don't like that we have to do what he likes and not what I like. By only following his own feelings, I am excluded from deciding what the day will be like. I want to plan together. I asked him if he would go for a walk in an hour and a half, and he said yes. The time comes, and he is enjoying his time reading a book. I don't think that is right. I think that he should sometimes do things he is not in the mood for just because it is something I want to do. No less than for the fact that I ask him to do things he wants to do anyway. He can read his book anytime, but he cannot go for walks with me anytime. I feel bad and I feel sad. Yes, he decided to fix my radio for me, but I didn't want him to. I didn't want him to get burned out and then have to be alone. It makes me so angry! I don’t need him to do things for me. I need him to spend time with me.

When the WiFi fades away,
My work hangs in the balance,
Teaching online,
Podcasts echo in silence,
TV shows pause mid-scene,
A world once vibrant, now unseen.

Yet, in the stillness, I remember,
Records spin, tapes play,
Videos capture moments,
Friends to share a meal,
A phone call brings connection,
In this quiet, I find reflection.

It feels as if the world has ended,
But in truth, life still flows,
Beyond the screens and signals,
A different rhythm grows.
The heart beats on, the laughter lingers,
In moments unplugged,
I find new fingers.

I’ve been listening to Esther Perel. Today's woman in counseling is a woman who has been married four times, and when she left each husband, it was on the heels of an affair she had. Having an affair made her feel strong enough to leave. When she was having an affair, she felt like a woman instead of a mother or child. She romanticized each of her husbands, thinking that they would save her and love her. When they let her down, she pulled away over a period of two years and then detached. This made me think of my marriage because I feel like I knew I wanted to leave, and then I pulled away over the space of a year. Aaron told me the relationship wasn't working for him, and then, over the next year, I got my act together and positioned myself to leave. I was never sure I would leave, but I was ready to pull the trigger when I wanted to. I think I should have gone to counseling and learned what my needs were and how to express them, and perhaps our relationship would have healed and renewed. I don't want to make the same mistakes again with Eric. I know that every relationship has difficulties. Maybe if you look to your partner to provide too much for you, you will eventually resent them because they are not providing what you want from them. Those are my thoughts of the day!

Today I met the new English teacher and tried to help him out. I hope he starts soon! I am looking forward to focusing entirely on 8th grade. It will be nice to have 200 students instead of 400.

Eric is coming to visit tomorrow, which I am looking forward to. I have made some chicken chili for us to eat, and the house is just about presentable. On Saturday, I am having brunch with Becky, Amanda, Judy, and Stacia H. It makes me feel kind of nervous leaving Eric back at the house. I wonder how he will react to my absence. I wonder how I will react to his presence. Will I completely lose my sense of who I am like last time? I need to remember who I am and what I want and what I need, and be bold in asking for it, seizing it, etc. I want to set the tone, not be subservient to the tone that he sets.

 Win-win situations.  What are they?  How do you create a scenario where everyone wins.  At the moment there are winners and losers.  Everyone is not served by the Trump presidency.  People are divided.  What would bring everyone together besides a war?  That is a lose-lose situation.

I really like writing. I enjoy rereading and refining my thoughts. I also like taking a brain dump every day. Today, I went to Kroger, where I hadn't been for a while. I saw Kathy, the checkout lady who had gotten married. She gave me a hug, and we talked about how life had changed. That was a special part of my day. I need physical contact just like everyone else.

Tonight, I talked to Jocelyn on the phone, and we discussed the boys and how everyone is doing. Jocelyn is my friend from U of I. What good times I had there! I loved college. It was kind of like now. You are stuck there for four years, so you really learn how to enjoy the present. Apparently, older people enjoy the present more because the future is limited. You don't know how much time you have left, so you focus on the time you have. I feel that. I am happier in my life than I have ever been before. I love my job. I love working from home.

I remember when I had the septic tank cleaned, and the guy said his wife taught English online. I thought that I wanted to do that too. And I am doing it! Jill Render was the one who gave me the idea. I sent her a Christmas card and told her I missed her and gave her my phone number. I hope she gets in touch. I kind of feel like she doesn't like me anymore. I also friended Maureen Naughton. We used to be Facebook friends but are not now for some reason. It makes me paranoid that Evan has been saying bad things about me.

Speaking of Scecina kids, Marlaina got sprayed in the face with mace. A guy came to her car and asked her to roll down her window, and he sprayed her with MACE. Crazy business.

That is all for today! Maybe!

Last Night's Nightmare

This was a very long dream/nightmare. I was at Evan's house or a school, and I was trying to escape but could not get out of the building. Evan alternated between being nice to me and being dismissive because he was building a cocaine empire in the basement of the school. So, there is that.

Weird Thoughts: Some people want to go to the moon. Some people never want to leave their house. Everyone else is in the middle. Oh, yes, then there are those people who want to travel to the deepest part of the sea.

Other Ideas:

Is it a force of evil that is trying to divide Americans based on political lines? Doesn't the U.S. have the ability to do great things in the world and be an example of democracy and happiness for the rest of the world? Yes, but Americans are divided against themselves. We are being tricked. We are being distracted.

What evil wants from us is to divide us.

Winter

Albert Camus, a French writer, said, “In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.” This quote conveys the idea that even when the world is difficult, there is something stronger within us that can push back. In a universe indifferent to our struggles, we can still find warmth and meaning in our experiences.

I like to remember that because I, like Camus, tend to live in winter. I need to remember that within me is the warmth of summer and that I can make winter just as colorful and warm. As I have gotten older, I enjoy winter more, recognizing it as a fleeting moment in the vast expanse of time. I used to dread it, but now I see it as a part of existence, a reminder of the impermanence of all things. I particularly dreaded it in Michigan because the clouds were so grey that I felt like I lived under a perpetual shadow. Strangely enough, my winters in England were not unenjoyable. There, I liked them because it was not always grey, although it was often grey. Also, there were frequently splashes of color: the irrepressible green of the English countryside, thriving against the odds.

Writing about winter is fun. It reminds me of when I used to practice essay writing by picking a topic and writing about it. In the book I was reading about writing, it said that the most important part of making your writing interesting is including personal anecdotes and information.

My topic is winter, and I am expounding on it. I like the warmth inside during winter. I like huddling together with other people, cherishing the connections we forge in a world that can often feel isolating. I like that it’s dark outside so I can watch TV, losing myself in stories that remind me of the beauty of human creativity. In the summer, it gets dark so late that I rarely watch TV. I like the garden having a rest and beginning its new cycle, a testament to the resilience of life even in the coldest months. I like the exhilaration of the coldness on my face; it’s a reminder that I am alive in this chaotic universe. I think I like it more than I used to because I am no longer dating Evan. I did not like leaving his house in the evening and coming home when it was cold outside. Actually, Evan's house was cozy and only enjoyable inside during winter because he had no sunny seating. Yet, even in that discomfort, there was a lesson in acceptance.

I had my students write poems about all the positive aspects of winter. That was a lot of fun. The first few days of school, I did not teach from the curriculum, but I certainly did teach! In a world that often feels devoid of meaning, I find joy in the little things, like the laughter and creativity of my students.

That is all today on the topic of winter. I am sure we will circle around! Life is a series of seasons, and each one has its own beauty, even amidst the chaos.

Understanding the Smurfette Principle

The Smurfette Principle, dear reader, is a whimsical notion that dances through the realm of tales, films, and television spectacles. It unveils the peculiar habit of weaving one solitary female character amidst a throng of predominantly male figures. This curious term springs forth from the charming animated series "The Smurfs," where Smurfette reigns as the singular female among a village brimming with male Smurfs. This delightful phenomenon invites us to ponder the significance of gender representation in the media and how it sways the hearts of its audience.

What is the Smurfette Principle?

The Smurfette Principle suggests that when a narrative showcases a lone female amidst a multitude of male characters, an imbalance may arise in the portrayal of genders. Oftentimes, our female protagonist receives less attention than her male companions, and her essence may be largely defined by her connections to the gents. Take, for instance, Smurfette, who often plays the role of a romantic muse for the male Smurfs, rather than embarking on her own enchanting journey.

Importance of Gender Representation

The matter of gender representation is a splendidly significant one, for it molds how audiences perceive gender roles in the grand tapestry of society. When tales predominantly feature dashing male characters, young minds may unwittingly absorb the notion that male adventures hold greater value or intrigue than those of the fairer sex. Such a notion can lead to a narrow understanding of gender roles, thus constraining the opportunities for our female characters to be robust, intricate, and independent beings.

Examples in Media

Ah, the Smurfette Principle reveals itself in many a popular narrative! Consider the "Star Wars" saga, where the original trilogy is primarily populated by male characters, with the courageous Princess Leia standing as one of the few female figures. Though she shines brightly, her presence may sometimes feel like a delightful anomaly rather than a commonplace occurrence.

In the realm of superhero tales, we often find one remarkable female hero amidst a band of male champions, such as the illustrious Black Widow in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. While these characters inspire awe and admiration, their singular existence among many male heroes can unwittingly bolster the Smurfette Principle.

Challenging the Smurfette Principle

In recent years, a lovely awareness has blossomed regarding the need for richer gender representation in our media. Creative minds are increasingly embracing the significance of presenting multiple well-rounded female characters within their narratives. Forsooth, films like "Wonder Woman" and "Frozen" illuminate the screen with a plethora of female leads, each with her own distinct personality and narrative arc. This delightful shift aids in dismantling the Smurfette Principle, offering audiences a more harmonious perspective on gender roles.

Conclusion

The Smurfette Principle stands as a vital concept, urging us to ponder thoughtfully upon the representation of genders in our media. By acknowledging this trend, we may uplift stories that celebrate a delightful array of intricate characters of all genders. Such richness not only enhances our entertainment experience but also nurtures a more inclusive society, where every soul can find a reflection in the tales we weave. By understanding and addressing the Smurfette Principle, we can pave the way for a future where every character, regardless of gender, is cherished with equal importance in the grand art of storytelling.

Why did I not write yesterday? It was one of those days where I had a plan, an event to attend at 5:30, and the whole day just slipped through my fingers. What did I do at 5:30? I went to see Moulin Rouge with Tanya. It turned out to be much more enjoyable than I expected. WOW! It was an incredible performance. I highly recommend it, unless, of course, you're not a fan of plays that include prostitution.

Yesterday, I also spent two hours on the phone. One thing I find challenging is when people make changes in their lives that I can't control. For instance, when Tracy decided to pull Josh out of school and homeschool him in 1st grade. I remember the moment clearly; we were at Panera Bread, and I was in such denial. I held onto that denial until the beginning of 2nd grade when I realized Josh wasn’t there anymore. I still recall Joel crying at the end of the 1st-grade summer, in tears because he thought that he wouldn’t see Josh again. It’s a reminder that life is full of unexpected changes, and all we can do is adapt.

Other examples may come to mind, but for now, let's move on.

On another note, Eric was discussing the idea of buying a condo in Lansing or a piece of property in Indiana. I just want him to settle down with me—why not embrace simplicity? Ceecee suggested I go with the flow, but not to feel obligated to visit him at his condo unless I really want to. Kelly, on the other hand, is horrified that Eric and I are together. She views him as abusive, while I see his ignorance as more of a flaw than a threat. It’s challenging to navigate these perspectives, but it’s all part of the human experience.

So, that was my Sunday.

Now, onto today. I met Ken Fosnot for brunch at a Mexican brunch place. The food was good, and our conversation flowed as effortlessly as if we’d never been apart. Old friends are truly valuable! I’m grateful we've maintained our connection throughout the years.

When I got home, I tackled sorting the boxes in the basement. I plan to create four categories: Emma's, Joel's, Trash, and Sell/Donate. The trash and sell items will find their way to the garage. Some of the trash is quite reprehensible, like a container of moldy blankets and the like. Yet, as I sift through it all, I find a sense of purpose in making progress.

Today, my record player table arrived, and I built it while listening to British history podcasts. After that, I set up the room with my record carpet and played some records while working on lesson plans. Tomorrow, I’ll make Chewy some new dog beds. Everything is coming together nicely. I find joy in home decorating and the little things. Eric also has a good eye for aesthetics, which is a nice bonus.

Things I learned today: To experience contentedness in life, one might consider the essence of ESP—enjoyment, satisfaction, and purpose. While these concepts seem important, I wonder if a lesson also needs to encompass all of them. Ultimately, it’s all fluid, and that’s perfectly fine. After all, in a universe that may seem indifferent, we have the power to create meaning in our own lives, however fleeting it may be.

Women's rights are an important topic, and I want to emphasize this during Women's History Month. It is crucial for students to understand the significance of the rights women have today and the hard-fought battles that led to these achievements.

In the last 20 years, women's rights in the United States have seen significant advancements and challenges. Legal protections against gender discrimination have strengthened, with continued enforcement of laws such as the Violence Against Women Act, which has been reauthorized multiple times to enhance protections for survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault. The #MeToo movement, which gained momentum in 2017, has brought attention to issues of sexual harassment and assault, empowering women to speak out and demand accountability, leading to cultural shifts in workplaces and beyond. Additionally, there have been strides in reproductive rights, although these rights are currently facing legal challenges in various states. The representation of women in politics and leadership roles has also increased, with more women serving in Congress and holding significant positions in corporate leadership. However, challenges remain, such as the ongoing fight for equal pay and reproductive rights, which continue to be contentious topics. Overall, the last two decades have been marked by both progress and ongoing struggles in the fight for women's rights in the U.S.

Between 1974 and 2000, women's rights in the United States underwent significant transformations, driven by social movements, legislative changes, and cultural shifts. In 1974, the passage of the Equal Credit Opportunity Act allowed women to obtain credit without needing a male co-signer, marking a critical step towards financial independence. The feminist movement of the 1970s and 1980s propelled issues such as reproductive rights, workplace equality, and gender discrimination into the national spotlight. The landmark Supreme Court case Roe v. Wade in 1973 established a woman’s right to choose regarding abortion, though this right faced ongoing challenges in subsequent years.

Throughout the 1980s and 1990s, the implementation of laws like the Pregnancy Discrimination Act of 1978 aimed to protect women's rights in the workplace, ensuring that women could not be discriminated against due to pregnancy. The establishment of Title IX in 1972 continued to shape educational opportunities, promoting gender equality in athletics and education. The 1990s saw the rise of women in leadership roles, with more women entering the workforce and pursuing careers in traditionally male-dominated fields.

In the 1800s, women's rights were severely limited, and societal norms dictated that women were primarily expected to fulfill roles as wives and mothers. They had very few legal rights, often unable to own property, enter contracts, or vote. Educational opportunities were also restricted, with many women receiving little to no formal schooling. The prevailing belief was that a woman's place was in the home, and any aspirations beyond that were often discouraged. However, this period also saw the beginnings of a movement for change. Women like Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton began to organize for their rights, laying the groundwork for future advancements. The fight for suffrage and equality would gain momentum in the following decades, but the challenges faced by women in the 1800s highlight the significant struggles that had to be overcome to secure the rights women enjoy today.

In the 1700s, women's rights were even more restricted than in the following century, as societal expectations firmly categorized women as subordinate to men. Women were primarily confined to domestic roles, with little autonomy or authority outside the home. Legal rights were minimal, often varying by region, but generally, women could not own property, vote, or participate in political matters. Their education was limited, focusing mainly on domestic skills rather than formal academic learning. Despite these limitations, some women began to challenge the status quo. Figures like Abigail Adams urged her husband to "remember the ladies" when drafting new laws, highlighting the need for greater consideration of women's rights in an era of burgeoning democratic ideals. The early expressions of dissent and the desire for equality laid the foundation for future movements that would fight for women's rights in the centuries to come.

In the 1600s, women's rights were severely constrained, as societal norms relegated women to subordinate roles within patriarchal structures. Women had limited legal rights and were often considered the property of their fathers or husbands. Their primary responsibilities revolved around managing the household, raising children, and supporting their families, with little opportunity for personal autonomy or independence. Education for women was rare and typically focused on domestic skills rather than intellectual pursuits. In some communities, particularly among the upper class, women could wield influence through their relationships with powerful men, but this was the exception rather than the rule. While some women began to express their thoughts and desires for greater rights and recognition, such as through literature or correspondence, the dominant view of the time firmly placed women in the background of society. The lack of rights and opportunities in the 1600s served as a stark contrast to the growing movements for equality that would emerge in later centuries.

In the 1500s, women's rights were extremely limited and defined by a rigid patriarchal society. Women were largely seen as dependents of their fathers or husbands, with few legal rights or personal freedoms. Their roles were primarily confined to the domestic sphere, focusing on household management, child-rearing, and supporting their families. Education for women was scarce and often restricted to those from noble backgrounds, focusing on skills deemed suitable for managing a household rather than formal learning. Women could not own property independently or participate in political life, and their social status was heavily influenced by their male relatives. Despite these constraints, some women found ways to exert influence within their families or communities, often through informal networks or as patrons of the arts. However, the overarching societal norms of the time left women with little power or agency, setting the stage for the long struggle for rights and equality that would unfold in subsequent centuries.

 

Negotiating Like a Pro: Christopher Voss’s Tips for Stronger Relationships

Negotiation is an essential skill in our everyday lives. Whether you are discussing plans with friends, resolving conflicts with family, or even working on group projects at school, knowing how to negotiate effectively can lead to better outcomes. One expert in negotiation is Christopher Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator. He has shared valuable insights on how to negotiate successfully, especially in personal relationships. Let’s explore some key tips from Voss that can help you enhance your negotiation skills.

1. Listen Actively

One of Voss's most important tips is to listen actively. This means giving your full attention to the other person when they speak. Instead of thinking about what you will say next, focus on understanding their perspective. By listening, you show respect and create a comfortable environment for open communication. This can help both parties feel heard and valued, making it easier to find common ground.

2. Use Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. Voss emphasizes the importance of empathy in negotiations. When you empathize with someone, you acknowledge their emotions and experiences. This builds trust and rapport, which are crucial in any relationship. You can express empathy by using phrases like “I understand how you feel” or “That must be difficult for you.” By doing so, you create a positive atmosphere for discussion.

3. Ask Open-Ended Questions

Instead of asking questions that can be answered with a simple "yes" or "no," Voss suggests using open-ended questions. These questions encourage more detailed responses and foster deeper conversations. For example, instead of asking, “Do you like this plan?” you could ask, “What do you think about this plan and how it could work for both of us?” This approach invites the other person to share their thoughts and feelings, leading to a more productive dialogue.

4. Mirror and Label

Voss introduces two powerful techniques: mirroring and labeling. Mirroring involves repeating the last few words the other person said. For instance, if someone says, “I feel overwhelmed by all the tasks,” you can respond with, “You feel overwhelmed?” This shows that you are listening and encourages them to elaborate.

Labeling involves naming the emotions you perceive in the other person. You might say, “It seems like you’re feeling frustrated.” This technique validates their feelings and helps them feel understood. Both mirroring and labeling can lead to deeper conversations and help resolve conflicts more effectively.

5. Create a Win-Win Situation

In any negotiation, the goal should be to find a solution that benefits both parties. Voss highlights the importance of creating a win-win situation. This means looking for options that satisfy the needs of everyone involved. To achieve this, brainstorm together and explore different possibilities. When both sides feel like they have gained something, it strengthens the relationship and encourages collaboration in the future.

6. Stay Calm and Patient

Negotiations can sometimes become heated or emotional. Voss advises staying calm and patient during discussions. Take deep breaths and give yourself time to think before responding. If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to take a break and revisit the conversation later. A calm demeanor helps you think clearly and respond rationally, leading to better outcomes.

7. Know Your Bottom Line

Before entering a negotiation, it’s essential to know your bottom line, or the minimum outcome you are willing to accept. Voss suggests writing down your goals and the points you are not willing to compromise on. This preparation gives you clarity and confidence during discussions. However, be flexible in your approach and open to alternative solutions that may arise.

Conclusion

Negotiation is a valuable skill that can enhance your relationships, whether with friends, family, or classmates. By applying Christopher Voss’s tips—listening actively, using empathy, asking open-ended questions, mirroring and labeling, creating win-win situations, staying calm, and knowing your bottom line—you can become a more effective negotiator. Remember that the goal is to foster understanding and collaboration, ensuring that everyone feels valued in the conversation. With practice, these skills will help you navigate conflicts more smoothly and build stronger relationships with those around you.

Well, Eric lost his thumb drive. I called Judy, and she put in a couple of prayers to St. Anthony and St. Jude, and then the image of the thumb drive came into his mind. He thought it was in his work satchel that he left at his mom's. He called her, and behold! It was found!

We were going to talk at 7 tonight but are not because he is a bit dysregulated. I am talking to Carmen and Kelly at 8:30. How do I feel about Eric canceling on me? It doesn't feel good, but I will make the most of it. I know I am important to him.

What's new since yesterday? I listened to a bunch of podcasts. I will have to think about what I learned today. I started the morning with Judy. I brought over some scrapbook paper so she could make some birds. We both made birds, and before we knew it, almost two hours were gone. I then stopped at Five Below to get some supplies to make a nice dog bed for the dogs. I bought two smaller carpets that I am going to stuff with fluff. It will be a sewing extravaganza today and Monday. The carpets were $5 each, and I already have the fluff. A new dog bed costs about $60. I think it will be worth my effort.

Podcasts: I learned that higher-earning women are deciding not to get married, that there is less divorce, and that people are getting married at a later age. I learned a whole bunch of other stuff that I don't remember. Yesterday, I was listening to Esther Perel, and she was saying that the reason affairs are so pleasurable is that you get to be a different version of yourself. You can also completely abandon yourself to your sexual desires. That is the allure. She also said that a man was having sex with other women in his marriage because he had seen his mother abused by his father. In some way, when he was having sex with these women, he was treating his pain and also treating those women nicely. I wonder if his wife became an asexual character in their relationship.

The Huberman podcast was good. It was about putting people into a different emotional state to get the results you desire. For example, try to connect with someone you are angry with or who is angry with you. If you connect with people, you will be more likely to get better treatment.

Also, in transactions, everyone feels better if they feel an effort has been put forth. That is why you have to negotiate instead of just taking the first offer. The person Huberman interviews was really interesting. He is a negotiator for hostages. Christopher Voss is his name. I want to read his books!

I took Chewy and Peanut for two walks. The snow is melting, and the surroundings are turning into a grey and brown mush. I miss the pretty snow. Now, there is no more snow forecast, just temperatures in the negatives.

Tomorrow, I am going to work on ordering some photos. I am also going to be chatting with Eric, and in the evening, I am going to see Moulin Rouge with Tanya. I hope Eric wants to talk to me. I feel bad when he doesn't. He was so grateful to hear my voice after he had not talked to me for two months. I wish that he would always be so thankful to have me in his life.

That's it here! I am going to lift some weights and make some envelopes before I have a call with Kelly at 8:30.